Breastfeeding IRL- My breastfeeding journey so far

Heavy Weight of Expectation

Prior to the birth of my son, the idea of breastfeeding was extremely daunting to me. Fueled by distrust in my body and fears rooted in body image and past pregnancy losses, I had difficulty imagining that I could have a successful breastfeeding journey. But I knew that receiving breast milk would benefit our son and I felt a heavy weight of expectations as a pediatrician. I thought repeatedly- can you imagine a pediatrician who doesn’t breastfeed? As I reflect now I realize I’ve seen colleagues put themselves through extreme physical and emotional stress, and at times extreme guilt, trying to make a breastfeeding journey work.

Showing Up Prepared

To ease my worry, I did what any type A expectant mother would do and researched like crazy. I learned about all the gadgets and accessories, the various techniques to stimulate supply, and what my resources would be if I found myself in need to expert help.

A fellow physician mom handed down a massive box of feeding accessories and, although I didn’t know what most of the items were for, it brought a sense of preparedness. I even attempted antenatal colostrum (early breast milk that is rich in immune cells to protect baby) collection, acknowledging the delicate balance between reassurance and anxiety as I attempted to trust my body.

Showtime

Elective induction (controversial, I know- we can discuss that more later) at 39 weeks marked the beginning of a transformative journey. My nurse asked me what my priorities were. I nervously told her breastfeeding (I think I was still convincing myself as well), and she took note. After an uneventful delivery, my son was placed on my chest, bringing an immediate sense of relief. Despite inverted nipples leading to difficult latch, a supportive nurse normalized the use of a nipple shield and with each feed my confidence grew.

A Bumpy Road

The early days brought both joy and challenges. My breasts were on display for nearly every hospital employee possible in the first 24 hours- every ounce of modesty I had previously faded away quickly. Weight loss concerns and Thanksgiving day engorgement were hurdles, but leaning on experienced friends, trusting our compassionate pediatrician, and finding humor in the situation (particularly when I looked like well-endowed caricature of myself at the Thanksgiving table) brought resilience.

We saw the pediatrician and learned he had lost 8% of his birth weight by his 3rd day of life- something I knew to expect as a pediatrician but rocked me to my core as a mom. In the days leading up to his next appointment, I felt confident that my baby would be gaining adequate weight- my milk was in and he was feeding frequently- what could go wrong? Well, he had only gained 1.5 ounces in 6 days- that’s what could go wrong. Our pediatrician attempted to reassure me- he likely lost more weight before he started gaining, and he was content, making plenty of wet and dirty diapers, and wasn’t jaundiced. She felt confident he was receiving adequate nutrition. She said to continue doing what we were doing and return the next week for a weight check.All advice I might have given as a pediatrician as well, but as a mom- I was again incredibly anxious that I wasn’t providing adequate nutrition to my baby. That’s when things got messy.

I responded to the anxiety by doing what I always do- excessive research. I found that, in some studies, a nipple shield reduced the amount of milk that was transferred from mom to baby. I also read that the shield may impact my supply long term. I concluded that the shield needed to go. So, I called the hospital lactation consultants to set up an appointment to get help with weaning the shield.

The consultant who answered the phone seemed to ignore the reason for my call (nipple shield) and focused on my son’s weight. She recommended I triple feed (a practice where you breastfeed, pump, and bottle feed every 3 hours around the clock) to help baby gain weight and, when she sensed hesitation in my voice, responded with “well your goal is to breastfeed right?”. Enter mom guilt.

So I hung up the phone, cried hysterically in my husbands arms, and spent the next 24 hours triple feeding in an exhausted stupor. Thankfully, after a really difficult day, I had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment with my husband.

Why was I taking guidance from someone who has never even met me or my baby when our trusted pediatrician made a different recommendation just a day ago? Why wasn’t I trusting my intuition that our son was getting enough to eat?

After a few more tears, I cancelled the lactation appointment and tapered down on pumping over the next few days. At our sons next appointment, his weight gain was satisfactory. I set up an appointment with an amazing breast feeding medicine physician to ensure we were on the right track to remove the nipple shield and maintain my supply long-term, and she visited the next day and eased my fears.

Fulfilled and Inspired

The subsequent weeks unfolded into a fulfilling breastfeeding journey. Challenges transformed into shared experiences, and the learning curve, though steep, left me inspired to share insights with others. The persistence paid off – the nipple shield is nearly off at seven weeks, my son is thriving, and my supply is enough to meet his needs.

This transformative experience has left me with a profound appreciation for the delicate balance in successful breastfeeding. For anyone navigating this challenging task, remember, it's a journey filled with twists, turns, and triumphs – an intricate dance that ultimately brings immense fulfillment.